11-20-2012 Letting go…
First day of break up…
Went to work like normal… 3 hours sleep. No dinner from last
night. No breakfast. Had Cup Noodles for lunch. Ate a lot for dinner. J
Been exchanging text messages with ex…
Thank you's… Good bye's… hate messages… and tormenting
messages from ex.
Tried to keep myself busy. Resentful of what have happened.
Angry at myself. Angry at her. Trying to accept the fact that it’s over. Hating
myself.
Need to talk to someone... A good friend/cousin opened up… (felt good). I needed to at least
tell someone how i feel...
I need direction right now...
Looked online for support group... failed... seems so very cliche... or maybe it's just me... not ready to open up... me being myself... an introvert... I need help... bad.
Seems like today went on forever. Not to mention the drive home early this morning form ex's house.... longest drive ever... thinking of everything that happened... the good times... the bad... the awesome time we had a week before... seems like it would never end. What I could have done to prevent this... and... or... what i could have done to have this happen sooner so I would have recovered a little already. Thinking about the plans... dreams that shattered... the hurt we caused each other... the times... lost... now and forever. The promises broken. And a million other things that went through my fucking head the whole 40mile drive home!
I don't wanna fail! I hate failing! I hate this feeling! I am a good person! I love deep... true... but why this fucking stupid shit!?!
I don't know how to start... am I still worthy of love? will I be able to love again? I thought I found my soul mate... felt like it for awhile... until it all went on a downward spiral to a black hole of stupidity, immaturity, pride, and anger! How will I forgive myself? How will I recover.... How will I move on... But first... how will I let go...?
11-21-2012
2nd day of break up...
I feel worse! At work... trying to keep myself busy. Thank God our morning was pretty busy. My mind was busy with something else other than her face. Then... when it started slowing down... smoked more cigarettes... my head wants to blow up with the self torture I'm having. No one to talk to. No one to go to. She was my best friend and I kinda left out some so-called friends I met at my old work. So really, I don't have anyone. Much more now... I feel lost and lonelier than ever. I don't know how to deal with this. I had break ups in the past. With 3 year relationships, and more than 5 years relationships... I don't even remember being like this. Being so down. Being so depressed! Why? Millions of reasons why. But not sure which ones are right. We have been texting throughout the afternoon. Same things. Blaming me. Making me feel like shit. Unworthy of her. wasted her time and all that. Also, telling me how I was there for her. And thanking me for everything I've done for her. Like we just broke up that day kinda thing...
Got home from work.... I cooked dinner for me and my brother... still non-stop thinking about her. I want to forget about her instantly! Is there a way. If anyone reads this and has a solution, please email me! shalomology@gmail.com I need to fucking know! Tried to amuse myself... watched TV... played video games... I dunno... what ever.... oh and BTW.... I haven't had a drop of alcohol in my system since we broke up! Awesome huh? Well... I'm trying hard... specially don't wanna drink by myself! No...no..no... Tried that and got me 6 stitches on my eye brow from a bar fight... or actually its was like 3 against 1. One being me... myself... alone! This happened the first time she broke up with me. So... went to bed around 2am... knocked out sometime after that.... What a day....
11-22-2012
It's Thanks Giving day... Woke up at 6:30am... Need to pick up a dog for pet sitting job at the shop at 7:30am... Thank God it's Holiday and no traffic. But I did get a message from her early that morning telling me she just got home... that she's been with another guy... and more fucked up text message that ruined my whole day! Yep! She succeeded! I wanted to hate her so much! But I can't! I dunno why... As I'm typing this, it is already 5:18pm... about to leave to be with family for Thanksgiving... hoorah! nope... not really... not really feeling grateful right now... sorry... anyways, I'll finish up today crap notes when I get back.
I'm back... and I feel a little better. Hang out with fam... my cousins... and my loving granma... so... i guess, I don not have anything to add... no anger or hatred right now. lol but I did text her a few times (stupid weak ass me!) Just telling her how I feel and sending her a photo of me and what I'm wearing for tonight (again... stupid ass me!) and greeting her happy thanks yada-yada!
So... tomorrow is another day... I pray that I will be ok.
